Over the years, I have spoken to hundreds of people who want to rent houses from me.  Most of them say the exact same kind of things.  Once it a while someone will surprise me with a “I just got out of jail today, so I don’t have the full deposit.  But I am pretty sure I’ll have the whole thing by tomorrow morning” (really happened) statement, but most prospective Tenants appear to have a standard repertoire of comments to make a Landlord feel better about them.

I am convinced there is a super, secret adult education class somewhere on how to be a Tenant.  It teaches people all the things that newbie, inexperienced Landlords want to hear.

For example, “I love to garden, can I plant some bushes?”  Now in reality, that translates to “I don’t own a lawnmower and the city will be fining you before I even think about cutting the grass.”  (Come to think of it, I should create a Tenant to English dictionary. I need to write that idea down.)  The idea of this class is to get the Landlord to lower their guard by filling their heads with wishful thinking.

The class must be free because Tenants would not pay for it, so I don’t know how the presenters make any money.  Maybe they gain sustenance from the pain they inflect on Landlord’s. 

But in any event, the first lesson on the first day of class is how to paint like a tenant.  This process starts with the innocently enough sounding question of “Oh, is it okay if I change the color of this room.  I really like a light yellow.”    Well that sounds harmless enough doesn’t it; what smart business person (Landlord) could possible pass up free labor?  You would be a complete idiot NOT to rent to this person, they care so much about your house that they are willing to do work for free.  FREE!!!  You are the luckiest of Landlords that this individual has wandered in to your life.  Grab them before someone else does.  The brilliance of this single question can not be overstated. 

The more advanced class teaches the slight, but very important, twist to that question “I’m a professional painter and if I paint your house, will you reduce the rent?” 

So lets look at the advanced class question first. 

Well folks, maybe in some perfect, dream world legions of professional house painters are just lining up to rent houses, but I have never meet any.  In my world, Tenants lack the skills needed to hang a picture without smashing through the wall, breaking a pipe, and flooding the house (yes that really did happen to me). 

Painting is a skill.  There is a reason that it costs several thousand dollars to paint a house.  And if a Tenant had those skills, they would be earning all that money.  They then could afford to buy a house and not rent one of mine.  See the gaping hole in the “I am a professional painter” story. 

On the off chance that a Tenant actually WANTS to paint, here is a condensed version of the Tenants Guide to Painting:

1)  Cleaning the walls is a waste of time; your time can better be spent coming up with creative excuses for why the rent is late.  Anyway, paint will cover grease, crayon, mud, nails, screws, small rocks, big rocks, banana peels and food.

2)  Drop cloths are a waste of money; carpet can absorb most paint spills very effectively.  The small amount that is spread around the floor adds a great degree of flair and originality to your decorating theme.

3)  Removing paintings or other objects from the walls before painting takes away from valuable TV watching time.  Paint around them.  No one can see the wall anyway.

4)  Drips add valuable texture to your walls.

5)  Applying paint to windows and mirrors is a cheap way to create stained glass.  The fact that churches spend thousands and thousands of dollars on the stuff is ridiculous.

6)  Never, ever use more than one coat of paint.  The idea of painting the same wall twice is just an excuse to get you to spend more money.  Beer isn’t going to buy itself.

7)  Painting the ENTIRE room is not as important as thinking about finishing the entire room.  Half or three-quarters of the room having the same color is good enough.  If you really think about it, you can only see two or three walls at the same time anyway.

8)  Paint cans are like gold; never throw away paint cans.  Full of paint, half empty, empty, crushed in to small metal discs, whatever…never throw away paint cans.  If there are lids on the cans, even better.  Paint cans with lids are like…um...beer.

9)  Rooms have floors and ceiling for one reason, to show you where to stop painting on a wall.  Roll the paint on to the wall until it hits the ceiling, then go the other way until you hit the floor.  Not only does this allow you to paint in complete darkness, but when you are finished you will have an impressive strip on the ceiling and the floor.  Just like racing strips on a car.  Most likely, the Landlord will give you extra money for this improvement to the property. 

Next week, we can review A Tenants Guide to Home Repairs.