Getting the mail is no longer the happy adventure it was when i was a child.  Do you remember those days?  You would go down to the mailbox and there would be a letter from Aunt Sue or a card from Grandma Smith with a ten dollar bill in it.   All those other envelopes, marked Final Notice, Collections or whatnot, were someone else’s responsibility.  Those were good days.

Now days, the mail doesn't contain any sweet surprises.  Even unexpected checks come from some Nigerian lads trying to steal my money.

But the worst thing you can get in the mail is a registered letter.  A registered letter sole purpose is to prove you receive it.  No one needs to prove you got good new; you would confirm that yourself.  No...only bad things come in registered letters.  Lawsuits, Cease & Decease orders, paternity suits...all your usual evils.

Two days ago I received a registered letter.

And to add to my enjoyment, I wasn't there to receive the letter, so I get the little green card that tells me to come pick it up at the post office. 

So I spent hours staring at this card; trying, desperately, to gather some information from the limited details on it.

The first clue that this is not a love letter is it is from THE CITY.  (If this was a movie instead of a blog, the dramatic music would have started as you read that sentence; so to correctly set the mood, go back and reread it and pretend some ominous music is in the background.)

THE CITY doesn't send out cutesy-pie announcements or birthday party invitations.  THE CITY brings nothing but pain.

I laid awake in bed, tossing and turning and million dreadful scenarios filling my head.  What...what...what does THE CITY want???  In the past, I have received letters from THE CITY telling me the grass is too high at a property.  But these were just regular letters.  Not the dreaded registered letter.  Had someone fallen in to a sinkhole and couldn't get out?  I didn’t think I would get a letter about that, but who knows?  Had a swarm of rats set up residence in my house?  Was the house still standing?  Was it really 3:00 in the morning?  My head hurt from the questions.

As soon as the Post Office opened, I rushed in to pick up my letter.  In mere moments, the nondescript white envelope was grasped in my hand.  What horrors awaited me?  With slightly shaking fingers, I opened it.

The first sentence read:
 
"An inspection of your dwelling or building revealed the dwelling or building to be in violation of Code Section 7-4-2-100 of the City Code."

Well that doesn't sound good does it?  "Violation"...that is a very strong word; there is no misunderstanding there.  THE CITY could have said "hey, we don't like..." or "we have a difference of opinion..."  but they went with "violation".  Pretty clear, THE CITY is not happy about something. 

The second sentence read: 

"You are hereby granted sixty (60) days to repair or demolish the dwelling or building."

OH MY GOD!!  Whatever the problem is, it is so bad that my one of my options is to TEAR DOWN MY HOUSE.  What the hell could be so bad, that the only course of action is to bulldoze the house???

Had my house somehow opened a portal to the netherworld and a legion of demons was pouring out???  Were the military forces of the United States engaged in a pitched battle for the souls of humanity??  Did destroying my house represent the one chance to save the world?  If that was the case, I could kind-of understand THE CITY wanting me to demolish the house. 

There was no "lets get together and talk about it" option.  The options are do what we say or destroy the house...but they were leaving it up to me to decide.

Somewhere in this letter THE CITY must explain what exactly is wrong.  I scanned the letter.

On page 2, THE CITY explained the clear and logical reason they were presenting me with the opportunity to turn my house in to a collection of toothpicks and splinters:

"The existing gravel driveway has no gravel still visible.  Replenish the gravel to a depth of 4 inches."

HUH?  All of this because I need to add some gravel to the driveway.  No demons, no zombies, no flesh-eating viruses, no threat to the world.  That can't be right. 

I read the rest of the letter and that was all there was to it. 

THE CITY had spent $2.25 (the cost of the registered letter) and told me I could tear down my house, all because there was not enough gravel in the driveway.

Apparently, THE CITY doesn't play games here.  Clearly, having solved all the other crime in the city, gravel-less driveways are the new scourge of the neighborhood.  Wouldn't someone think of the children?

Doesn't this all seem a little extreme??